Unsettling
by vindictive-much
Summary: Let's Go to Prison. No flames. John wants to be rid of the feelings he's developed for the man he set out to destroy, but fate seems to have other plans for him when after an argument with Barry, Nelson confides in John. Nelson/John. Told in John's POV.


**Unsettling**

Summary: A Let's Go to Prison fanfic No flames. John just wants to be rid of the feelings he's developed for the man he set out to destroy, but fate seems to have other plans for him when after an argument with Barry, Nelson confides in John. Nelson/John. Told in John's POV.

Disclaimer: I do not own Let's Go to Prison or any of its characters. Because if I did, you bet Nelson would've been John's bitch.

XxX

Chapter 1: Living to Regret it

Maybe I found Nelson attractive, maybe I cared more about him than I was willing to admit, but it didn't matter. There was no way Nelson would ever feel that way about me, and not to mention that if I ever tried anything Barry would kill me. I hated to admit it, but I was envious of what they had. At first I thought it was just because I wanted that with someone, but then there was that stupid party to celebrate the 'success' of that stupid wine and I went and got drunk and almost kissed that stupid idiot.

I guess jealousy and misery is what drove me to it – hell, I'd have to have been pretty jealous and miserable to get drunk off frickin' toilet wine. Then I thought about how eventually Nelson and I got over the whole "His dad put me in jail and I'm the whole reason he ever went to jail" thing and now we were... I guess friends was the only way to put it, and I was pretty damn happy about it. Then I thought about everything that happened before that and I started to feel guilty for ever pulling that shit and getting him put in prison, and then I got angry at myself because... I realized I was jealous of what Barry and Nelson had not because I wanted that with someone else, but because I wanted that with Nelson.

I called myself stupid and crazy, that maybe it was just a narcicism thing, thinking I was upset because Nelson picked Barry over me (to be honest I didn't see why Nelson picked such a delusional, violent person in the first place). Then again I was the one that sold Nelson to Barry, so I guess I screwed myself over without even knowing it. Then I decided that maybe I just needed closure on the subject. Yeah, closure, that sounded about right. So I resolved to confront Nelson about what exactly this whole thing was with Barry and why he'd be with someone that he used to be so terrified of and who'd countless times threatened him.

I really shouldn't have done that while drunk.

When I finally found him Barry wasn't around (for once, because those two were fucking inseperateable) and I dragged him away from the couple he was talking to and into one of the darker corners of the room. Our hands brushed and I hated myself for feeling something so gay (I refused to even consider that I might be a homosexual, not after what happened my second time in prison).

"What is your problem?" Nelson asked, irritated.

"What's my problem? Over the past year there's a few things I'v been wondering about, and this is it, I've had enough of this bull crap" I snapped, pushing him against the wall. I silently cursed myself for the butterflies I got in my stomach at the physical contact. I was too old for that kind of crap.

"What are you talking about?" he was confused, and to be honest I also was later on. It made so much sense at that time to refer to their relationship as that, to think it was all fake and that Nelson was really just with Barry out of fear. How was I that desperate for him?

"Come on, Nelson, we both know what a delusional and violent lug that Barry is, so why are you with him?" I asked, leaning closer.

"John, you're scaring me..." Nelson said nervously, raising his hands to try and keep me at a distance.

"I'm sure it's not the first time" I spat.

"You're not making any sense," he said, "Why would you say something like that about Barry?"

"Nelson, would it have happened if I hadn't sold you to him, let alone gotten you thrown in jail?" I asked.

"Please, just stop it" Nelson insisted. I couldn't tell if it was anger, desperation, or both in his eyes and voice.

That was when I became aware of how close I was standing to him and that I was leaning closer and closer, staring into his eyes, and there went those fucking butterflies again. Being so close and getting that good of a look at him, that must have been why I ever thought, _"He's pretty cute..."_ and then correcting myself, _"For a guy"_

I didn't know why I did it. I leaned in closer, my hands coming to rest on his shoulders. Only a few more centimeters and I would-

And he pushed me so hard I fell and hit my lower back on the edge of a table – hard.

I looked up, still in pain, about to call him an asshole and ask him why he did that (like I didn't know), and I saw that he was trying to fight the tears threatening to escape his eyes as he walked away and back to Barry. And then there was that sinking feeling, another one that I hated. I could no longer deny that I had feelings for Nelson Biederman IV and there was nothing I could do to stop it or change the circumstances.

I should have just been satisfied with Nelson going to jail, but no, I had to see it for myself, and accidentally, somehow become friends with him, and then end up realizing I'm gay for him.

Bottom line, my life sucked, but I had no idea where it was headed.

XxX

There it is, the first chapter of my fanfic. Hope you liked it.


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